Friday, December 14, 2012

Dedus wuv da widdle chid-den

I wanted to post some pictures today.  We have had a busy week, lots of things getting done, lots of craziness to report.  I have photos to back up how lucky I am to have my sweet children and to be home with them daily.  Photos to prove I can overhaul a bathroom in two naptimes flat.  Okay... plus one movie.  And a half.  Photos that prove we cut down our own Christmas trees and bake our bread and wear whatever superhero attire we feel like channeling that day.   But I sit here, getting ze bebes down for a nap.  I check facebook and hear the worst possible news: 18 children killed in Connecticut.  CHILDREN.  Elementary school children. 22 more killed by knife in China.  By knife.  Little children. 

I just... I mean, I cannot wrap my brain around the horror.  This world is hurting.  We are in trouble.  If it's not a terrorist attack, it's a 10 year old girl going missing, and then parts of her body found in an open space park nearby.  It's a mass theater shooting at a midnight premiere of Batman.  It's attempted abductions, missing boys, a mall shooting in Oregon, local soldiers murdered or committing suicide overeas, staged car accidents set up to sexually assault the woman hit when she gets out of the car to exchange information.  This world is just plain in pain.  How can this go on.

I almost hope to see the Lord soon.  That is, as long as I have my kids in my arms and it's not all scary and armageddon-like.  When I was younger I never thought I would see the day when he arrived and took us all upstairs.  But now, I feel like it is prophesied left and right in the world, the environment, in Israel, in schools.  In intuitive ancient calendars...  You know.
It's scary, but only because it's unknown what that day will be like.
It's hopeful, because what kind of world is this anymore.
I know terror and hatred, killings etc, have been going on since man found its way to the map.  And we hear more about it anymore because social media and networking sites are full of in-your-face information overload, and everyone wants their input to be heard and 'like'd.  I get it.  But sometimes I fear we are weaker than ever and the devil is taking over.  And this is coming from someone who isn't even sure there IS a devil.  But there must be, because someone's killing our children and it certainly ain't Jesus.

This fall when a local little girl was taken and missing for far too long, then parts of her found in a field, I found myself in irrational and inexplicable fear.  I shudder just typing it out.  We had just bought our home here in Golden.  I heard of two more attempted abductions that week right out here, and more elsewhere.  There was no convincing me the killer and kidnapper wasn't the next person who walked up our new street.   I had my mom, nana, anyone, praying for some peace for me.  I wasn't sleeping.  I crawled into bed with my babies at night, or pulled them next to me in ours, so I knew they were safe.  Then I would cry because they were.  I knew that spending my days and nights on guard and in fear meant that evil was winning, but getting beyond it was very hard.  I had to be positive energy.  I had to be positivity.  I had to be positive.  I started spending ALL of my time in prayer so that fear had no place.  And not just for myself, but that little girl's family and our local terrified communities.  My God helped me.  I started researching how to talk to my kids about these kinds of things, how to teach and balance friendliness with discern.  I became thankful for their initial bashfulness upon meeting someone, whereas I used to somewhat require they say hello to someone when spoken to.  Not anymore.  They can appear untrained little snobs all they want, they don't have to trust anybody.  I sure don't.

I just sit and I cry here as if these kids involved today are my own.  I have faith that God has so much love for them that he takes a little child before they know what is happening, before they can fear or feel pain.   He has to. 

A great friend of mine told me that he totally and completely believes that if you pray over your child, God will hear it and will honor it.  It will happen.  I guess we can't pray long or loud or hard enough to give a blessing to every sweet child in the world.  We can hurt and question and try to make sense of it, but the truth is there is no sense.  There's no relief and no answers.  I don't believe God did this today, or even allowed it to happen.  Not the God I know.  I believe he's with us through the grief and pain.  I believe he wants to keep our babies in our arms and take our suffering.  There are two forces here, good and evil.  Sometimes evil wins and it shatters and it kills.  I wonder if the only time that good will truly prevail is the day God arrives and brings us all to our heavens. 

For my own little ones- the two people in the world who have defined me better than I have ever been able to myself... I pray over them daily the prayer one of my high school teachers would pray over us at the beginning of each class with her.  "Dear Lord, I ask that you send your loving angels to surround and protect us, and keep us from harm."  I add my own request to keep his hand over our home and our hearts, keep us together, and keep us happy.  I thank him for their smart little brains and their kind hearts and their wonderous, infinite imaginations, and I ask that they use them as a blessing and inspiration to those around them each day.  I ask that they use them to become closer to their faith and closer to goodness.  My heaven is with my kids, watching them grow and learn, snuggle me, tell me sweet things, hold my cheeks in their hands as they kiss my face and my eyes, make a difference, change lives and start families.  If I can't watch them do that on this earth, then good God, please take me before them.

As Knox says... "Dedus wuv da widdle chiiiiid-den, all da chid-den a-da word."

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