Friday, December 21, 2012

O Christmas Pee, O Christmas Pee: A Tutorial.

So this is just a tiny bit super late, but I will now show you how a family might go about obtaining a tannenbaum.

First, make plans to wake up super early on your husband's premeditated sick day.* 

Be sure to get off to a lazy start upon awaking.  

2.  Rush around the house and gather snow attire.  

Husband:  You track down half of it.
Wife:  You track down the other half and extras of everything because the kids WILL get soaking wet and cry.  Wife will then carefully and intentionally divide everything into piles of round 1 clothing, round 2 clothing, and items for herself.
Husband again:  Make sure you stuff all of said piles into one tiny backpack with no sort of rhyme or reason.

3. Next, gather your cute children and stuff them into the truck and drive to the mountains, stopping once for coffee and overpriced mountain-town breakfast sandwiches.

If you cannot gather your own cute children, you can borrow mine.  You cannot, however, borrow my high-end breakfast sandwich, for I am hungry.

4.  Upon reaching your parking spot in the land of tree-cutting, pause for a family photo such as this one.  

Tailgates clearly make excellent tripods in the event you forgot yours AGAIN this year.

5.  Double-check the security of kiddos' mittens and start hiking!

(at this point, you will realize you forgot to bring sleds for the lazy-children-pulling.  AGAIN this year.)

Don't worry, you can rest a time...

or two.

A snow angel stop is permitted as well.  It's almost mandatory.

But naps are to happen on the return trip home, not during working hours.

6.  When you find your tree, you'll just KNOW it.

Or someone will dutifully point it out to you:

7.  Send in the Big Man to do the heavy cutting and lifting.  

 8. Haul it back.  It's a long way back, so just haul like you've never hauled before.

A photo shoot midway back to your truck is encouraged. 

You might be thinking they're pretty handsome.  And that's because they ARE!

Do not hesitate to continue the shoot long after the kids are done being cute.

she loves this moment.

 9.  Another tailgate photo, with the new member of the family.

They're so totally over this.

10.  Grab lunch in town and head home!  


We could end this tutorial here, on this very pleasant note.  I could tell you the kiddos slept in the car on the way home, ready and rested when we got back.  This is almost true.  What is totally true is... Two things:

1.  When we got home, we saw Howdy destroyed the bathroom Carpeting That Doesn't Belong in a Bathroom Anyway.  So I had to rip it out, as well as shreds of carpet padding.  I had to pry up tack strips and nasty nails out of the cute pine subfloor.  Bored, lonely, naughty puppy.
We should have just brought him with us, even though the rules state they must be leashed, which we all know is not going to happen with a big ol' puppy wanting to run all over the place and half the hike is straight up climbing.  But we should have brought him anyway.

Tulah, ever the biographer and illustrator, made a "note" that said, "Hade (Howdy) tor up a rug." Oh yeah smartypants?  Try illustrating THAT.

The second truth is this:
Christmas trees smell like PEE.  The fresh Frasier smell we all dream of is a lie.  A big fat Christmas lie.   At least for us.  This year's variety emits a clear urine-like tangy smell all the time and laughs at us as we start threatening to re-home that gift-with-purchase cat for spraying in the house.  Maybe a deer or 30 marked some territory all over it this summer as it sat in the woods, living a full tree life.  Maybe some law-unabiding citizens let their dogs OFF THEIR LEASHES and they staked their claim on OUR tree.  Varmints. 

It's still pretty though, and that New Pee Smell is less pungent daily. 
We decorated it a week later and didn't even bother trimming much off of it.  I could have cut branches, drilled holes in the bare spots of the trunk, branch-grafted, watered, trimmed some more, but I didn't.  We like it all wonky and Super Ultra Mountain Realistic.  So here we go.  Our Christmas tree Our Christmas tree, how lovely are your cray-cray branches and questionable fragrance...

Talk to you soon about all of the thangs we been makin'!!
Merry Christmas if I don't get to it before the big day!



*the aforementioned sick day in no way shall indicate that Mister Boree has in the past or shall again in the future make habit of such premeditation.  All counts suggested by Missus to indeed take a "day of sick" have in their utmost and complete entirety been as the French say... "Shot Down With Wild Disdain."  It must also be noted that the day in discussion was not presented to management, or any Sayer In The Matter of his failure to appear in the workplace, as a day of sickness for himself but rather his wife, who in such an event would not be able to perform her Housewifely duties, thus requiring Husband to remain home to attend to matters she would not be willing or able to insuchaclatter that she were in fact sick that particular day.  Good day sir.

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