Thursday, March 7, 2013

Village Idiot

That's me.

I've fallen off the wagon.

I'm the drunk in the town square muttering to herself, hearing voices, begging for a minute alone and screaming time-outs.

Except I'm not drunk.  I kinda wanna be, but soberly I sit here before you.

First off, did you know that today was NOT Friday?  Me neither.  I don't know what happened.  I thought it was.  It's not.  Tomorrow is.  Not today.

Ugh.  I have been the worst mom this week.  I am sort of the mom that I was when Nick lived out of town.  Crazy in the head.  Monday I was like, "Man, worst mom EVER today!"  and then same for Tuesday.  Wednesday I was like, "Yay let's be great!  I'm so happy!" but then Knox got even sicker and I was grabbing at straws until finally I was grabbing my hair.  Out of my head.  Didn't sweep it up until today.  Today is Thursday, and I totally lost it a time or three.

So you know when you're sick, and all you want to do is be babied?  You're sort of mopey, lazy, snuggly, a little bit sweeter because you're getting things handed to you all day and you're thankful for the selfless love and adoration your special ones are bestowing upon you... You, the Sickest of the Sickies?   That's not Knox.  First off, he doesn't slow down.  He might even be on turbo boost when he's sick, we're not quite sure.  Secondly, he's MEAN.  I'm trying to find some good words to create a feeling inside you that might invoke the same fear and emotion I feel when he's on the warpath.  So far what I'm coming up with, off the top of my head:  honey badger, Sallie Mae... and oh yeah, Antichrist.  Sorry buddy but you're terrifying.  He wakes up screaming and yelling, demanding this and that, which must be done juuuuuuuust right, or it's more screaming and beating me up.  Bruises on my heart, he's leaving.  Tearing my patience to shreds and pooping on it.  It's safe to say I've had my fill of verbal abuse by the time breakfast is on the table.  Only 12 more hours til bedtime.  Times 5, the number of days he's been feeling poorly, and multiplied by 3, the number of nights Nick has been out of town.  Now we have our exponent (180).  I am maxed out to the 180th power.

Tonight I cried when Nick got home.  And then I left.  He got to cook dinner and everything.  I went to the fabric store, then to Barnes and Noble to drink a decaf macchiato (I'm very fancy, you know) and read flea market magazines.  I read one actually, but could have read more, I just needed to go to the thrift store instead.  There I found a pair of jeans ($6... WAY too much!  WHAT HAPPENED TO THRIFT STORES BEING THRIFTY, BARGAIN-FILLED PARADISES!??  Hmmph!)  Anyway, I spent the six bucks, and also found Howdy a Gentle Leader for $1.50.  It's a lovely shade of pink that I'm sure he'll thank me for later.

When I got home a little while ago, I realized that this spiral of irrationality and impatience on my part has been growing for a little while.  I'm happy, we're having fun during the day, but I'm feeling busy again like I used to feel, and also my jaw still requires 600mg of ibuprofen to feel close to normal.  I'm not my best.  I could be [MUCH!!] worse, too.  I remembered that when I'm feeling my best, I'm also moving slower and soaking up the smaller stuff.  I realized that I haven't written in my gratitude journal in a long, long time.  I've been using the internet less, so I'm thankful for that, but in that absence I've also not really connected with my Abundant Mama course community the way I was a couple of months ago.  Maybe you remember me mentioning that before.  Anyway, the course is over but the community is still alive on FB.  I'm happy to have time away from the internet, but I saw myself hopping onto facebook or Pinterest, anything, during the past few days when I was at my worst or needing a break from the crazy.  Mindlessly escaping the yelling and the guilt for not wanting to be around my poor, innocent, precious sick child.  Not the best mom this week.

What I was thinking is, maybe I could just list the daily five or 15 things I'm grateful for here, even if I don't write much else.  A little less verbage might be a sight for your sore eyes.  It's okay, you can tell me I'm a rambling fool... Much nicer than what Knox's been throwing at me all week.  I'm sitting here thinking about what I AM excited for, what is easing me tonight and preparing me for a happier tomorrow.  Like,

1. My Chicken Gardens book came in today.  Yess!  Now to dog-ear some pages and tape the binding before it has a chance to fall apart.

2. I GOT 2.5 HOURS TO MYSELF TONIGHT.  I saw happy images in magazines that make me so stinking excited for the estate sales and garage sales and any type of sale really, that one might visit during the summery weekends.  Which makes me thankful that...

3.  Mister Boree really likes junk now.  Well he wouldn't admit to liking "junk" and that word is probably stretching it, but he really appreciates a good estate sale and the treasures within.  He fights me less (I condition men very smartly to just drop the discussion and buy that bargain, already!  Thanks for the lessons, Mom.) and can even spot a treasure himself.  This is very good for our marriage, another thing to be thankful for.

4.  Ibuprofen.

5.  I did not turn on a tv tonight.  It helped that my shows were reruns, but still.  I wanted nothing amping me up before I sleep and I will smite anyone who dares to turn on the news this evening.  I'll do it.

6.  Tomorrow we get to go to a birthday party for a friend of Tulah's.  She's starting to think that he's her booooyyyyyyfriend, but that's a story I'll share with you another day.  It's an outdoor party since the morning will be lovely, and it's occurring right before we get 12" of snow.  Today was 65* and tomorrow night, it will be dumping on us again.  Bring on the moisture before I plant my gardens, Mama Natura!

7.  The Gentle Leader will allow us to bring Howdy along on walks more easily... To the park, creek, anywhere really.  I usually wrap his nose loosely in the leash but it stresses him out at first and he can escape, too.  I hate to admit it, but I rarely bring him places because he pulls me across town, and then I lose my kids and that's not good.  Also, I would have paid more for it, and could easily say that I paid $6 for it at the thrift store and $1.50 for the jeans... Making my visit seem much more prosperous than it did at first glance.

8.  I signed up for this FREE PHOTOGRAPHY online MINI-COURSE.  I'm excited.  I wasn't going to take any e-courses or anything through the summer and spring (mom says I have to do yard work), but this one is a week long and I think it will be fun to see what happens with it.  How neat for the mama to offer a freebie class, aw!  Hopefully it gets her a lot of business afterwards.  Looks like fun, so sign up if you're cool enough!  Starts March 25th.

9.  The kids and I played outside in our backyard today, while Roo and I walked around photographing potential chicken coop locations and structures.  So far our abandoned shed is the front runner.  I'll post our findings soon.

10.  All of the beds in the house have fresh sheets, and the dirty ones are washed and folded.  A feat.  Our own bed actually has a NEW "down" comforter on it!  I feel like a princess!  I bought it a year ago, when it was on super-bargain on Amazon.  It got amazing reviews for a down alternative, and since I was being a snob with NO money to spend, I decided to buy it.  Regretted it, since Nick so responsibly pointed out that we already have a comforter.  HIS old, heavy, faded, too-giant-for-the-washer, opposite of fluffy, comforter.  I left the new one in the big ol' zippered bag and it's been there ever since, with me promising to sell it on cl or something.  I never did.  And now it's ours officially because I'm underneath it, so so cozy in my cloud alternative.  I'm very pleased.

11.  My teeth are brushed, my mascara washed off with my tears in my fit of crying earlier, and if it weren't for this bully of a chicken garden book I would be able to go right to sleep right now.  Unfortunately I have some reading to do, as the book is coming to a dramatic conclusion and I can't put it down.  I'm already in love with our new chickens and I haven't even met them yet... Just a twinkle in me eye, they are.

Five things to be thankful for was all that was necessary, but I gave you ten in case I don't type tomorrow.  And one to grow on.

I can't say I won't be a psycho tomorrow, but I am going challenge myself to this newfangled technique I heard of called "Counting to Ten".  Perhaps you've heard of it.  I need to hug it out with my Buddy, he doesn't need me losing my shi- I mean my COOL, when he's at his worst too.  I told him several times today I was sorry for losing my mind, and knowing him he's forgiven me.  They do that, those kiddos.  I can't be the weirdo in town tomorrow who's eating her own hair and asking people to hold her.  We'll be alright I think!  It feels silly to have just a few challenging days knock you on your butt, but I think that's just being human.  A lousy human maybe...?  Ahem.  A year ago things were much more challenging for us- a perspective I need to remember.  Little Buddy is healthy overall so if he's a raging lunatic for one week I need to give him the space to do that.  Away from me.  ;)

I promise you I'll count to ten tomorrow as many times as I must.  No yelling.  No internet escape.  Wine, maybe.  But not 'til lunch time I swear.


2 comments:

  1. Oh girl, you should have called me. Counting to 10 is never enough for me. 20 or 30 is better. I miss you oodles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so happy that you got out of there for a bit. You need some alone time everyday, even for 10 minutes to just breathe and BE. I love you. I believe in you, my Baby Girl.
    P.S.~ I'm happy I got to talk to Knox and that he said he loves me. Did ever get my super hero picture done?

    ReplyDelete