Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Bursting with something.

Woke up this morning and got my sweet girl ready for her first meeting with real, up-close horses.
This is something she's been dying to do-- Well, maybe not so much meet and feed horses, but OWN one!  Baby steps, I tell her...  I tell myself.  The first step would be to meet some. Feed some, muck some, and ride some.   The real and dirty stuff, the fun and fast stuff.
I found a woman in Golden who pastures her horses nearby, and set up a meeting to see how my Roo does with them. I'm hoping so much that we can work something out with the mucking and feeding, to help us out with the riding and learning.  Lessons cost money but I want so much to be able to get Tulah involved if this is something she truly desires.  Can you think of a better discipline than riding horses?

The kids were so excited to be in the pasture and next to these giants.  For today's visit all we did is talk, ask questions, and breathe the same air as the hawses, but it was enough.  We got to help with the feeding and mucking also!  Here the kiddos are feeding Buck, who seems to be their favorite so far.

 We discussed setting up riding lessons, cost, all that.  And then they invited us back tonight for a free ride to see how it goes!  YES and YES!  We're going back at 5:30 today for their first ride ever.  Evening cannot come soon enough :)  This is TC, the 22 year old that the kids will practice on tonight.  He's really sweet and smart.  And notice?  TC happens to be my sweet girl's initials too!  Serendipity...?  Is that you?

Thinking about getting involved in lessons and riding makes me think a lot about how to make it happen.
I'd like to, and offered to, sort of work out something with the owner to help with the pasture in exchange for a bit of a break on the cost.  I live, literally, 5 blocks away from the pasture and the arena where they ride.  I could easily run down once a day or a few times a week to help with their twice-daily feeding and mucking.  They actually live super close to our old house, so I know what a drive it can be twice a day!
Beyond that, we just need to get creative with how we can manage it.
I need a job and it's staring me in the face.  Has been for weeks now, but I'm having a hard time sorting it out right about now.

Basically I'm about to have a Kindergartener.
Basically, I always thought/knew/wondered that I'd be a working mom once my kids started elementary school.
Basically, Kindergarten here costs $300 a month, a bill we've never seen outside of a car payment, the student loans I'm denying, and our house.  PUBLIC SCHOOL, PEOPLE!!  Terrible.  We don't have that money right now, and I need to summons it.  It's up to me.
Another basic?  I don't want to be away from Knox.  I am going to miss Tulah enough with her being a student 7 hours a day.  I don't want to miss Knoxer too.  I want to volunteer in Roo's classroom, know her teachers and classmates.  I want to help with a school play or community garden... Field trips and stuff.  I want to make her a snack when she gets home and hear all about her day while it's fresh in her amazing little mind.  I know I know... wah wah wah.  Every parent misses their kiddos while they're away at work.  But I think, we've made it all this way, all this time, on one maintained income.  Why can't I still be here for them when they're in school?  Is a $10/hour job simply my fate right now?

Mister Boree is miserable at work right now.  It's making him wish for more money, to work less than 14 hours per day, perhaps, to have some flexibility or freedom or whatever it is that comes with that money.  Happiness maybe.  Which is silly-- why focus on more MONEY when you can focus on doing something you love?  There will never be enough money, but delighting in what you do should be a stepping stone to getting there.  He's blue and he's discouraged, and I see this manifesting into MONEY talk.  We never focus on the money, and here we are now-- focusing on the money.  And the money talk.

It would thrill me greatly to be able to make the kind of money that career-people make.  Heck YES I would love to do what Mista does for us... helping put a roof above us, floors below us, pretty things around us.  I want to help support our family, to lighten Mister's load financially.  I thought by now I'd be working a little business for myself, but that's not happening since we moved to a house that requires countless hours and creative input.  I absolutely love it but it doesn't pay the bills.

 So here I am, emotional on an otherwise-happy Tuesday afternoon.  Thinking and overthinking how I can do what I'm good at, what I love, and support us a little bit by doing so.  I fear so much working some random, passionless, minimum wage job to simply provide a few extra dollars at the end of the day.
I need something more.  WE need something more- something fabulous!!

I fear I have it in my blood, in my bones, to be extreme.
I fear it because it's not something I can tame.  It's a wild beast fighting against me... With me?  FOR me?  Is it good or is it a sickness?!?   
When extreme is running wild, I'm inspired.  Then I'm eager and encouraged and ambitious.  I CAN DO THIS.  Whatever THIS is.  I can do it.
...But another minute later, I hit a bump.  It could be anything.  It could be a look from the Mister when I tell him my idea(s).  It could be a morning of tantrums that pull me back to a place of "These kids need you, clearly, wake up.  Make some coffee and be a MOM."  It could be running into someone, somewhere, doing exactly the thing you dreamed of and doing it better, faster, and appearing to have it all. 

But how do you get past the challenge, get past your own head, and just leap out of your starting lineup and forget about where everyone else is running.  How do you keep your head up, your form strong, and your gait steady so you know your place, you balance your strengths with your duties, and you cross the line when it's your time?

I sit here with an aching in my back and a something to figure out.  My emotions are blending into my dreams and my confidence, and dragging my reality and abilities with them.  Don't ask me to explain this kinetic mash-up because I can't.  It's weird and confusing and makes me wish for a nap to shut off my brain.

The good news is, any time I need to vent or freak out or ramble and shriek, I can just call up a friend or two for support.  I have one amazing friend setting me up with enough confidence to send me to the Super Bowl, even though I don't play a drop of football.  She thinks I can do anything and almost makes me believe it too!  She's getting me in touch with a local friend that knows EVERYONE in hopes that there may be a connection there I might not have otherwise.  I just need to make the call when I have a moment of silence and distracted kiddos.  I have another friend who has been with me through my mania since I moved to Colorado, my first friend here.  The longest best girlfriend I can so happily claim. The VERY MOST creative and accomplished and passionate person I know.   I make a call to her, she can gauge where my brain is in a second.  She can feel my crazed ambition and she keeps me focused.  She helps me to see what needs to be done professionally to make things go smoothly personally.  She offers me a perspective that I don't see when I'm too busy rambling to notice.  She makes me wish we could rewind to the days when we dreamed of putting our psycho heads together to create something to live for.  That was before kids and loans and jobs and... HUSBANDS.  Bleh ;)

I feel like something big is going to happen.  It's not going to burst at the seams and stretch marks across my life in a couple of short months like my babies did, but I think it's brewing.  Brewing is good.  It's steady and something I can trust.  I just need to make this thing happen in a way that Husband Face will trust it too, something he can support me in and celebrate with me.  You think I can?

The first step would be to stop venting and start listing.  And maybe go tinkle first.  I tend to tinkle when I get excited.

Thanks for listening, and please send any extra vibes of positivity my way!  I need some courage and focus.  I need to help make things possible at our home, for our kids... To help Hubby not feel so alone in his providership.  And daggone it, I want to be full of passion and energy and happiness while doing it.  Might be a lot to ask, but I don't mind the strive.

I will tell you how Miss Almost-In-Kindergarten's ride went tomorrow!  

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