Saturday, December 28, 2013

Let's try this again.

This place... It seems familiar...
Kind of comfy, like I've been here before.  In another life maybe?
Like maybe once upon a time when the days were warm and the sun shone over us in glorious, immeasurable hours?  Certainly not when I was counting the days to the solstice like a kid counting down to Christmas, aching for the days to start getting longer...  Nope, that'd be about now.
Or maybe back when a little girl turned big and started Kindergarten?  (not me, my daughter.)
Maybe once or twice when there were great joys to share, and excited hands for the typing? 
It seems like a long time ago.  Oh, Time, you ol' dog you!!  You ol' hound dog!

Obvs I have not visited here in a long time.  One or three of you have made mention.  It was brought to my attention.  I took note.  I thought about typing stuff out again.  I brewed up little posts in my head whilst washing dishes or staring at Facebook and Pinterest.  I composed a narrative or two while my hands were dough-deep in sourdough experiments.  I even devised little diddies while I delved into Friday Folders in a frenzy on a rushed Monday morning, or five.  But nope, didn't make it over to Ginnboree! dot com to make anything of it all.  Those poor, lonely thoughts.  Just stuck.  In my brains.  In my sticky, slimy brains.  Gross.

How have you been?  How was your Christmas or whatever it is you people celebrate?  Ours was good.  Probably my least favorite of all time while holding Mom status, but still good nonetheless.  The best and super-greatest part was watching my stinking kids open gifts.  Ohhhh.  Emmmmm. Geeeeeee.  Want to see a video?  I would post it but it takes 6 point 5 hours to upload and I just don't know if it's even close to conveying THIS joyous message:  My kids love presents.  Yes, you heard it here first.  They do.  They like, LOOOOVE them.  And there's lots of not-annoying screeching and squealing (not like pigs, but more like you know- excited kids and stuff) going on.  It just makes you happy.  Maybe even so happy that you are considering going around the house and grabbing laptops and jewelry and bungee cords, anything you can find, and wrapping them up quick like a ninja, and just feeding it all to them so they'll open it.  I didn't do all that but I gave it great consideration.  Oh those, happy, present-opening kids.  Made my holiday.

I would like to explain two things:  1.  Why this was probably my least fave Cmas since becoming a mom, and 2. Why I'm titling this (--wait, titling... Is that right?  Title-ing?) AHEM! this post 'Let's try this again'.

First up, the Christmas thing.  Oh gosh.  Did you know I'm a fool for Christmas?  I love it with my whole heart.  Well, this year... I think it snuck up on me, or... I didn't take time to enjoy it or... I was in a funk and didn't see much past all the stuff to get done and the places to be etc... Maybe all of it?  I don't know.  It was busy.  I was distracted.  I have not been myself.  Unfocused, scattered, busy- which are all ME on a moderately manageable basis.  But lately.  Nope.  Not so moderate.

I always felt like I became ME when I had Roo.  I had my purpose, I was good at being hers, and I knew that each day I was living, I was living for her.  And then her brother.  And once he joined us, there were just lots and lots of days in survival mode.  That's when the Mister was in Fruita living and working, I was a wreck post-partum, and the post-partum emotions just kind of hung around for a couple of years.  Once that stint of living apart and me being so so so alone was over, we decided to buy this house.  And I was so thrilled for the new chapter, I was so happy, I was so in love with this.  But I was kind of alone still.  I started writing here to record our projects, journal a little, keep track of all the fun happy things going on.  Being here on Ginnboree was such a nice way to ramble and be heard and to be connected to the 2 or 3 of you reading what I write.  You guys could be part of our life and see the details as personally as possible while living so far away.  Sharing the bright side made me eager to SEE the bright side.  Because sometimes you have to go searching for it.

The past year has proven to me that you get what you give.  We moved in here, and oh man, I GAVE.  I was determined to live it up, share the joy, see the joy, and be the joy.  I worked hard at it.  I mean, sometimes, it was work.  But it... worked.  Mostly.

Then stuff happened.  You see how short life can be.  How it can change in an instant.  How you want it to be as full as it can possibly be, you want to see it just bursting at the seams.  You want it to be loud and silly and messy and raw.  You want to take it on with someone who is just as excited and eager as you are.  And you want to feel like you're okay for wanting so much out of it.

I have not really felt like it's okay for me to want so much out of it.
I have not really felt like anyone else is just as excited and eager.  On the same page, traveling the same path, slurping the same spaghetti noodle.  (Lady and the Tramp?  You know?)

Now, I'm not really wanting to complain about marriage or partners or whatever.  Well I kind of do, but just not here.  Roo is almost 6, which means that we've been together for 7 years now.  So maybe it's the sev-- Ding ding ding, did you just run the numbers and figure out our problem!!???  Oh you are my favorite!  Yes!  Of COURSE!!  We did not know each other when we had a baby.  Oh dear, it makes sense now!!!!  Ok.  Gosh.  I will totally get some sleep tonight.

So there you go.  We did not know each other when we had a baby.  And so, me being me and feeling like I BECAME ME once I had a baby, well shoot!  How lucky for the mister!  He's got the babies figured out, with no more on the way.  He's got the wife thing figured out, managed if you will.  So what a loop it must throw one for once the first baby starts school and the mother realizes that life keeps going once the babies are in school.  The mom, who has not had a real job in years, who never ever ever had a career, now gets to decide what in the world is next.

And you know what?  You learn things.  You learn that you have time to think about friendship and life and love and marriage.  You learn that you can do things other than keep a house almost-clean.  I know I know I know- I do other things.  But purpose I guess is what I mean.  There are more purposes for a mom.  A mom is multi-purpose and highly concentrated.  Like Windex, only a little more eco-friendly.  And in my case, not nearly as great at keeping a streak-free shine.

Oh I've had some downs.  And ups too, but lots of downs.  What is it about redefining purpose that makes you hyper-aware of all the stuff you know could use a little attention.

So I sit here, sort of just enjoying the moment for what it is.  When I say 'enjoying', I mean just... reveling.  Being in the moment despite what it is.  Sometimes it's a happy moment.  Sometimes it's a reflective one.  Sometimes I'm downright angry or dissatisfied.  But I'm feeling it and that's what I'm focusing on.

A few months ago I took a girls' trip- my first one ever.  Five of us met in Minneapolis for two days and two nights for my friend's 30th birthday.  I got  the cheapest flight that ever existed on the planet and I went.  I needed to.  And I didn't know how much I needed to until I was there.  In that snazzy hotel suite full of females, I learned that we all wonder who we are, we all have marriage problems, we all hate our stomachs or our thighs or our whatevers.  We all want to feel pretty when we put on a dress, we all are secretly openly hoping we get a little attention when we step out, and we all wish there was just one more hairdresser in the group so we can get a blow-out too.  It's true.  I wouldn't say that I came back from that trip a completely changed woman, but maybe a partially changed one.  I felt very normal during and after that trip.  I left there infinitely more confident in myself.  I left there with a few new VERY GOOD friends.  I left there knowing that my brain is actually kind of normal, along with my worries and insecurities and guilt and fears etcetera.

So if my brain is actually pretty normal while it's balancing all my thoughts and goals and dreams inside it, then I think to myself, "Maybe I should just feel what I feel."  I realized that it's okay to just be... I don't know... Focused on things other than all the other stuff?  Meaning, myself?  Focused on myself.  To a point, I think that's allowed.

I found a job.  Rather, a job found me.  I started working at an interior design showroom one day a week, and freelancing another day per week with my freelance-job-giving gal that I worked with at the beginning of the year.

In November, I set some health goals for myself.  I turn thirty next June, and I decided that I'm going to have the healthiest, strongest body of my life once I hit the mark.  I want to feel pretty invincible inside and out.  I've started running again, pretty regularly, and I can't tell you how nice it is for my brain to be outside, my heart pumping, and my thoughts just as free as my feet are.   I'm signing up for a couple of races with friends in the spring, including a half marathon sometime next year.  I will not be racing per se, but I'll be participating :) I'm already feeling healthier inside too which is one of my biggest goals, so yay for internal health!!

I have also almost accepted that I can't control LOTS of things.  Building projects, snarky preschoolers, hormones... I mean there's lot of stuff up for not-controlling.  I'll leave it at that because it's pretty all-encompassing. Basically if you can think of it, it's something I won't be able to control.  And that's ok.

I am accepting also that husbands do not read minds.  I am learning to be pretty open about my feelings, even if they're hard to share.  My friend told me recently that if we don't actually spell out for them what we'd like to see change, tell them our joys and disappointments when it comes to our marriage, hard as it may be at times because we're afraid of being so truthful, then it's not fair to them.  I hadn't thought of it that way, but now I see the light.  I've settled in quite comfortably in a very frank conversation or two, and you know what?  Everything's still okay!

I know that the holidays are not the time to be introspective, self indulgent and lost in your own thoughts.  And though we all try to stay ahead of the hustle and bustle of the season, sometimes there is just not enough time for all the effort you think you need to put into it.  I have never been so out of tune with the simple joys of Christmastime as I was this year.  It all seemed to be task related and crammed.  I did not do it well, even though I felt like I was giving my all.  

So I think I'm ready to try it again.  I know I can be a little bit of who I was before the mom-ness kicked in, a little bit of who I am since all of the deep digging began recently, and a LOTTA bit of the mom that defined me the past so-many years.  I really really hope that I can make this little journal on this piece of internet real estate here a big part of that, because it was like a big comfy pillow to me this past year or so.  A cozy place to sit and reflect, and it made me happy.  I'd like to try this again.

This is not a resolution for 2014 per se, but maybe what I hope to remember through the new year of Me Improvement.  I'll be feeling what I feel.  I will recognize when I'm needing me-time, where I never could see it before.  I won't feel like we're doomed when I'm disappointed in my marriage or this or that- because disappointment is normal and can be worse when it's ignored.  I will certainly be taking a minute to meet with girlfriends even IF it's a weeknight or I'm tired or something... I feel better when I make the time.  I won't expect my husband and kids to provide me with a drink for all the thirsty facets of Ginny, but I think it's okay to find an oasis where one exists.
We think it takes a village to raise a child but I'm learning that it takes one to raise a mother.

 My mom pinned this on Pinterest.  I saw it as an affirmation to what's up with my stinky-face and reflective heart these days.

Let's try this again!!

No comments:

Post a Comment